below is an email that I sent to hailey last week in the middle of a meltdown. seeing as how I want to keep it real, I've not edited any of it. as raw as it still feels (at least some of it), I am able to laugh at parts of it. read at your own risk...
well, let me list everything that has happened since yesterday and how I am feeling (warning: it might not be pretty)...
• my company was "merged" (read: bought) by another company
• not sure how it affects me yet
• scared a little bit about the details
• I have four of the largest zits known to man on my chin and cheek
• maybe I eat too much cheese?
• I am hungry but have nothing to snack on
• don't want to spend money or make a bad choice
• so I just chugged a glass of water
• I think I might be a raving bitch at work
• but not sure how to fix it
• I react to things just like I would HATE someone to react towards me
• houston, we have a problem
• I am very disappointed in myself
• why does an extra nine minutes of sleep always win out over getting up for quiet time?
• how do I make changes I know I need to make but am just not motivated?
• have I mentioned that I'm hungry?
• because I am angry at myself, I want to eat EVERYTHING in sight
• so far, it's been two mini snickers and two mini kit kat
• now, bring on the salt
• guilt has me in a stronghold
• rebuke, guilt/satan, get away
• why is it that as soon as I start exercising, I feel fatter?
• how in the world do you have the time to get everything done...and have a child?
• I feel wholly unproductive every single day...and I only work.
• you are my hero
• and I wish I was there in the sun and the heat
• laying out by the pool (pretending there is no threat of cancer of course)
• I feel pasty white and nasty
• wanna go for islands burgers and cheese fries?
• please?
• I would love it if you came up next month to visit...wanna?
• phew, just remembered that you are
• thank you jesus
• I love you (hailey and jesus)
I am so thankful that I have friends that I can send emails like this too. there is no judgment, no condemnation, just support, love and commiserating. such as it should be.
things are never as bad as they seem when you are in a wallowing moment such as I was last week. of course not, right? they wouldn't call it wallowing then would they? and meltdown would only reference what an ice cream cone did in the sun.
don't judge me.
:-)
today was another notsogreatday at work but I will continue working on my attitude...and chose joy instead of anger. boy that's hard.
1 comment:
i love that you posted this. i actually saved the email in a newly created "jenny" folder in my in-box, so that I could send it to you later for digestion.
love you friend. so proud of you and all the difficult things you are doing to make yourself more like Jesus!
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